The Four R's That Ruin Relationships

Relationships are some of the most beautiful parts of our lives. Yet, they can sometimes be the cause of tremendous pain and disappointment.

If you find yourself struggling in a relationship you will want to read this. It's true for both platonic and romantic relationships.

See, it doesn't matter the nature of any relationship, these 4 little monsters can ruin it. This is why it's important to notice them and kill them, before they get too big to control.

I read about these R's  from Barbara De Angelis's book "How to Make Love All The Time." In it, she explains that every relationship has signs along the way to ruin.

The problem is that most people choose to ignore the signs.  Rather than accepting them and dealing with them immediately, they sweep it under the rug.

R1- Resistance

Resistance is the uncomfortable feeling you get in your stomach, when someone does something that you don't appreciate. Usually, their actions are small. Because of this, your nature is to not want to make a big deal about it.

So instead of telling the person how what they did made you feel, you choose to ignore it.  You pretend like it doesn't affect you, and try to forget about it.

You repeat this over and over again. You decide that it's too small to even matter.

Although the act is different every time, the resistance start's to build up. Soon, every little thing starts to annoy you.

As this continues to grow it starts to turn into the second R.

R2- Resentment

Resentment is the build up of all the little negative feelings that you didn't communicate. Except that now, you don't feel annoyed or taken advantage of, instead you feel angry. Everything the other person does, makes you angry.

You start to distance yourself and limit communication as much as you can. You start pulling away.

In the resistance phase, the other person may have no clue of something being wrong. In the resentment phase, they do. The problem is, that because you are feeling resentful, everything makes you angry.

This becomes confusing to the other person since they can see that something is wrong. However, they can't tell what it is.

So they also start to pull away...... Leaving the relationship to move onto R3.

R3- Rejection

In the rejection stage, you start to attack the other person. You do this by looking for ways in which they are wrong. You overlook intentions, and try to pinpoint as much wrongs that they do.

This stage is also usually accompanied by physical and emotional distancing. You reject offers of affection, love or support. If the other person was not feeling the same as you, it is in this stage that they start to build up the R's.

And this is when you start heading to the final R.

R4- Repression

In this stage, you become emotionally exhausted. You are tired of fighting. You are tired of being angry. You are tired of the rejection, so you turn off your emotions.

You stop feeling all these negative emotions. But you also stop feeling all of the positive emotions as well.

This relationship no longer brings you joy or fulfillment the way it used to before. You can't feel the bad emotions, but you also can't feel the good ones.

Nobody can see anything wrong. But there is no more care. There is no more love. There is especially no more communication. This is the most dangerous part of the relationship because there isn't anything left.

See, the key to avoiding having any of your relationships slip through the cracks like this, is simple. Communication!

In the beginning, when you start to feel the annoyance of the small things, you need to communicate it. The other person cannot know that these things bother you if you don't communicate it.

It's a lot easier for you to make a small deal about a small thing, the minute it happens. It's harder for you to wait, until you have so much bottled up that you end up making a big deal about a small thing.

If you find yourself at either stage of the 4R's, the solution is still the same. Communication!

It's hard to train yourself to speak up when something isn't right. But by doing this, it helps the other person to know what your boundaries are. If they really care, they will try to respect them.

As you build your communication muscle, you will  move down to less intense negative feelings. Your relationship can start to feel like it once did. And the other person will also start to understand when something is wrong.

The challenge

This week, I want you to identify a relationship that has been in trouble. Then try to figure out where you are on the R scales. Commit to communicating with the other person. Start slowly, with the small things. Do it with the intention of saving the relationship.